A line-by-line breakdown of the Masters' theme song (yes, it has lyrics)
There is no better, more evocative, song in sports than the theme music to Masters coverage, which is appropriately called Augusta. The mere sound on the tinkling piano and acoustic guitar, which CBS first plays at the end of football season before the long, cold, lonely sports winter ahead, is practically cathartic, giving golf fans the sense of hope and rebirth that is springtime, The Masters and awkward handshakes in Butler Cabin. It's the best.
And as you might have heard, and/or forgotten, there are actual lyrics to the famed instrumental written by the song's composer, Dave Loggins, a cousin of Kenny "You Might Remember My Songs From Such Movies As Caddyshack, Footloose and Top Gun" Loggins, which are as cheesy as the $1.50 pimento sandwiches at Augusta. Hearing words over top of the song is really quite jarring, like finding out Beethoven's 9th has accompanying lyrics that were written by Frank Stallone - no, not even Frank Stallone, a distant cousin of Frank Stallone.
To be fair, the lyrics only look awful on the page. Like many a trite accompaniment, when used in the song to create melodies, accent different notes and get tweaked pronunciations so that "throngs" and "Jones" can sound like they rhyme, it's not horrible. But as poetry, it's middle-school literary magazine quality.
Again though, this is irrelevant because Augusta is so great and it's not as if CBS is playing the lyrics. So, no harm no foul. But if you've never seen the lyrics, let's go over them, line by line. (They appear in bold.) Please don't let reading this affect your love of the instrumental any more than watching The Godfather III would diminish your enjoyment of The Godfather.
(Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images)
Well, it's springtime in the valley on Magnolia Lane/It's the Augusta National and the master of the game
Put a sparse 1980s hip-hop beat behind this and read it with the right emphasis and it could have easily been a Sugarhill Gang song.
Who'll wear that green coat on Sunday afternoon?
Green coat? Who says "green coat?" That's like saying an NFL game is in the second period. What possessed Loggins to go with "coat?" I mean, not only is "jacket" more accurate, but it actually sounds better too. And why does this have to be so literal? It's like he wanted to write: "Who'll wear that size 42 long green coat on Sunday afternoon around 6:55 p.m. ET, just in time for Jim Nantz to throw it to 60 Minutes, which will have a special expose on the working conditions at Apple factories by Lesley Stahl."
(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
Who'll walk the 18th fairway singing this tune?
True story: I was in a psychology class in college because I signed up late for classes and got stuck with that nonsense. Anyway, one of the projects was to go against social norms and see how people reacted. Most people went silent for a day, wore odd clothing, dyed their hair or something of that sort. I recorded the Augusta instrumental and put it on one of those handheld recorders. Then, every time I'd walk into a room I'd pause at the doorway, hit play, allow those brilliant, final six notes to ring through the air and then enter the room. The lesson I learned: No one cared about some idiot walking around with theme music. And as much as I liked that song, nobody ever gets it stuck in their head, as hard as I might have tried. So walking up 18, ignoring the roars, and "singing this tune" seems about as likely as Tiger Woods being the one to walk down that fairway this year or the next.
Augusta, your dogwoods and pines/They play on my mind like a song
I know there's isn't much that rhymes with azaleas but you've gotta get the most famous plant at Augusta into the song. It'd be like writing about the Atlanta Braves without mentioning playoff choking or fan apathy.
(Photo by Andrew Redington/Getty Images)
Augusta, it's you that I love/And it's you that I'll miss when I'm gone.
When that Adele album came out last year, I wondered how weird it was for her current beau to have to listen to his lady write songs about the regrets of lost love. In the same way, any signifcant other or offspring of Dave Loggins is probably wondering why a golf course will be what he misses most in life.
It's Watson, Byron Nelson, Demaret, Crenshaw, Player and Snead.
I don't even think Ghostface Killah could name-drop three-time Masters champ Jimmy Demaret. Point: Loggins.
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It's Amen Corner and it's Hogan's perfect swing/It's Sarazen's double eagle at the 15 in '35/And the spirit of Clifford Roberts that keeps it alive
Now we're just reciting things that happened. I can do it too. "It's Norman's collapses and Phil's winning flops/It's Tiger on 15 taking illegal drops."
Augusta, your dogwoods and pines/They play on my mind like a song/Augusta, it's you that I love/And it's you that I miss when I'm gone.
Nope, not better the second way through.
It's the legions of Arnie's Army and the Golden Bear's throngs.
(Photo by Brian Morgan/Getty Images)
Wouldn't the Masters get angry if an announcer referred to "the patrons" as "throngs?" Dave Loggins is teflon, y'all!
And the wooden-shafted legend of Bobby Jones.
So there you have it, the complete Augusta, which you can hear right here. Like I said, for all the platitudes of the lyrics, when sung at a soft voice over the instrumental, it's perfectly fine, except for that weird line about throngs of the Golden Bear.
So, in summation, Kenny Loggins' grandparent's first cousin's grandson wrote the coolest notes in sports, then added some lyrics that diminish the cool factor, but not by as much as you'd expect. And, hey, as long as they don't write lyrics to this awesome, secondary Masters music, we're cool.