Videos: NFL coaches' worst TV spots of all time
Many modern athletes are good hams in front of the camera, either during live action or when cutting commercial endorsements for their favorite type of car, shoe, soft drink or credit card.
But what about the coaches, specifically those humorless, sleep-deprived souls from the NFL who pull 18-hour days at the office from July to January?
Here's a look back at 10 of the worst, or most awkward TV spots involving NFL coaches, either active or retired.
Obviously, this isn't a hard-and-fast countdown. But it's a good survey of TV's most ignominious spots of the last 50 years.
1. Singletary should have walked away after reading the opening line in the script: (while holding cat) "If he were a football player, he'd be a placekicker. He'd be a great placekicker."
2. On a 'cuteness' scale, Singletary's cat certainly holds his own in the spot, jumping onto tables and offering deep, soulful glances to the camera.
3. This spot reeks of some famous Hollywood actor/actress doing an out-of-context project with their children, as a good-parenting means of breaking their kids "into the business."
Of course, it's not like Singletary's cat asked to be a TV star. Furthermore, I'm not even sure the feline booked any future gigs after the Whiskas commercial.
And that's too bad, because as Singletary expertly says, "(The cat) goes after this food ... like no other food he's eaten."
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1. At first blush, it makes sense for the Detroit Lions to introduce the new line of durable Ford trucks (1967).
For starters, Ford Motor Co. is headquartered in the Detroit suburb of Dearborn ... and the Lions have been owned by William Clay Ford — the grandson to Henry Ford — on a majority basis since November 1963.
(FYI: Ford assumed controlling interest on the day President Kennedy was assassinated.)
However, from a national standpoint, the Lions had no cachet with the mass viewing public back then, especially under Gilmer, who notched a deplorable 10-16-2 record in two full seasons with Detroit.
**This TV spot was presumably filmed at the Cranbrook Schools in Bloomfield Hills, Mich., the Lions' longtime training camp home. (Back then, the vast majority of NFL camps were primitive setups, at best, with little or no commercial appeal.)
2. It's hard to understand the correlation between a nameless quarterback casually tossing a football into the rear bed of a truck — and the vehicle's state-of-the-art durability.
3. Check out the high school-style goal posts at the :21 mark. Also, take time to ponder why the Lions players are jogging — without purpose — through a cluster of heavy bags.
The Ford truck, to its credit, takes sharp cuts around the heavy bags.
4. In fairness, the tire drill — where Ford demonstrates the truck's cutting-edge, front-end suspension — was perfectly suited for the commercial.
5. The Lions or Ford Motor Co. conveniently chose three reasonably sized players to fit into the truck's front seat. But then again ... it's not like the NFL was overflowing with 275-pound linemen 45 years ago.
6. The overhead shot of the numbered Ford trucks executing a football-style running play looks pretty cool, although it also elicits haunting memories of the old "Electronic Football Game" — where 12-year-old kids, like me in the 1980s, would painstakingly set up their respective players for a single play ... only to be disappointed by the sheer boredom of it all.
7. One last thing: I'm not a referee, but I'm pretty sure the Ford trucks are in illegal formation at the :41 mark — a consequence of putting seven men, er, trucks on the line of scrimmage.
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1. On the surface, this is a standard point-and-shoot TV spot (54 seconds into the YouTube clip), featuring a straight-laced coach performing a simple read in front of a Toyota.
2. However, how much extra cash was thrown onto Gregg's check for his final act — jumping five or six inches and exclaiming, "Oh, what a feeling!"
Can you imagine Bill Belichick leaping into the air, while wearing the always-snug Bike coaching shorts?
3. As a bonus track, viewers are treated to one of comedian Bill Cosby's iconic 80s spots for Coca-Cola.
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1. This TV spot couldn't have scripted a more awkward opening, with Parcells and co-star Mike Francesa (a sports-radio giant in New York) "Ummmmm"-ing and "Ahhhhhh"-ing their way through a Manny's meal — amid extreme camera close-ups.
2. There's no doubting the friendship and/or chemistry between Francesa and Parcells, but it's impossible to watch this spot, four or five times, without fixating on that ill-conceived opening.
3. It's hard to get a read on Manny's menu: Is there a chicken entree named after Francesa? And does Parcells eat the veal parmesan every time ... because it starts with "P-A-R"?
Inquiring minds want to know — sort of.
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1. In one 30-second clip, Channel 10 in Philly cross-promotes "The Randall Cunningham Show" and "Rich Kotite Show" — in the cheesiest 1990s way possible.
2. That aside, Kotite's acting performance in the spot was quite admirable.
For those who didn't know him as a football coach then (and there were many), they would have no trouble, uh, envisioning Kotite as a bombastic TV director — instead of a guy with only 41 victories over five pedestrian NFL seasons (one playoff victory).
3. No offense to the colorful Madden ... but his voice-over acting might have launched that period when he started to become a caricature of himself.
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1. This type of local TV commercial, mindlessly endorsing an area sports bar, can be seen in just about every city throughout America. But this particular spot does have its accidental charm:
**At the :13 mark, what does A.J.'s Sports Bar & Grill have to do with some random guy having a fake heart attack — if the emergency incident didn't occur at the bar?
It'd be one thing if the guy having the heart attack ... was the same one being served with a napkin by the two women three seconds later.
**A.J.'s bar, located in Largo, Fla, seemingly caters to Steelers fans. Otherwise, why else would some hooligan, donned in a Steelers cape and helmet, show up out of the blue to taunt Wayne Fontes?
Fontes's cameo is rather forgettable, especially if you weren't aware that he ranks among the Detroit Lions' most successful and least successful coaches of all time.
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1. Let's start with a question: How many zeroes were in these checks for both Jimmy Johnson and Cowboys owner/GM Jerry Jones to endorse Apex shoes?
2. Johnson offers a decent acting performance, executing his two lines with colorless precision. But the real star is Jones, who admirably ingests a cluster of dust after being spurned by Johnson and his merry band of B-list Cowboys.
Which brings us to this ...
Given the tension that existed between Jones and Johnson at this time (one year before their highly publicized parting), it's fair to wonder if the two were even on set together during the shoot?
The quick cutaways suggest Johnson (and the players) and Jones filmed their spots separately.
3. On a positive note, the Cowboys deserve props for calling their shot, as the club would make the 822-mile voyage to Atlanta for Super Bowl XXVIII, knocking off the Buffalo Bills for a second straight world championship.
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1. Before we mock this spot, the six principals should all be congratulated for dropping substantial weight, prior to filming.
Football coaches, by nature, often spend 18-hour days at the office during a season ... making it very hard to exercise and/or eat sensibly.
Roughly 20 years later, each coach is still alive and presumably in fair health.
2. If we were to view the outtakes along the cutting-room floor, I'm sure Gibbs (a three-time Super Bowl champion with the Redskins) delivered a better take than the one that went public.
3. Shell and Ryan executed their lines with maximum intensity, so much that it's fair to wonder if Parcells merited an extra set of lines because of his Tuna fame? He might only be the second- or third-best "actor" of the bunch.
4. The coaches deserve props for hitting stage marks to their left, allowing for a superimposed image of their former selves to simultaneously occupy the TV screen.
5. If I didn't know any better ... I'd swear the ultra-svelte Knox was training to be Clint Eastwood's stand-in for Heartbreak Ridge, the military movie where Eastwood famously beats up "Swede" with an arm-bar/punch-to-the-face combination.
Back to Knox, the ad says the coach "lost the most" weight amongst the group, without attaching an actual figure.
Well, doing the math, Knox lost 64 of the combined 249 pounds.
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Sad to say, but this commercial offers zero redeeming value.
**Cowher should have had more input with this yawn-inducing script and overall setup.
**Plus, we can empathize with the other actors — the Time Warner "employees" — who have to endure Cowher's faux motivational speech, as if it had relevance ... or even an ending, for that matter.
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1. This commercial is equal parts awkward and endearing, thanks to Ditka's all-over-the-map pitch for Binny's.
In one respect, he's allowed to stretch his wings as an actor, delivering sophisticated lines with the backdrop of classical music.
On the other hand, he's forced to live up to the "Ditka" stereotype twice — snarling at onlookers when mocked ... and then offering a robust tagline, with cigar in hand.
2. Ditka's opening line of, "Hmm, this has the fruited scent of cherry and exquisite black-cherry undertone..." as if he was purposely mimicking Johnny Carson's iconic "Art Fern" character (of 1970s fame).