The off-beat preview: Wisconsin vs. Miami (Ohio)

If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis, yeah, this ain't it. But if you want a fun, entertaining read, you've found the right place. For more of Brandon Rifkin, please head to his blog or follow him on Twitter.

As the immortal #Swiftness says, shake it off. No other way to respond to the Alabama game than shaking that loss off and moving on to bigger and better things. I think deep down we all knew we were in real trouble when Michael Caputo's head was floating in a different galaxy a minute into the game. Watching him line up on the wrong side of the ball and have absolutely no idea where he was was downright horrifying. Hopefully he takes his time and gets back to full strength, because we're going to need him this year.

And there were some positives: Stave's Heisman campaign is off to a solid start. The ball was coming out quickly and for the most part was on target. He spread it around and we got contributions from half the damn team catching the ball. I like that. On the other side of the ball, T.J. Edwards led the way with 12 tackles -- another good omen for the rest of the year.

So you won't find me dwelling anything. NO DWELL SITUATION. Time to take care of business and defend the Camp.

PS -- How do we feel about calling Camp Randall "The Camp"? I think I used to hate it, but ever since that video series it's warmed on me. I think I'm just about ready to go all in.

PPS -- Love going all in.

PARTY IN THE CITY WHERE THE HEAT IS ON, ALL NIGHT, ON THE BEACH TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN

We may never know if Will Smith was talking about Florida or Ohio. Whoa. I just realized that the two Miamis are in by FAR the two most f'd up states in the country.

MIAMI (OHIO) IS OBJECTIVELY BETTER AT FOOTBALL VIA STATISTICS THAT ARE FACTS

Forget context. Fudge a small sample size. This right here is INDISPUTABLE proof that Miami (Ohio) is technically and legally better at football than UW. There is simply no way you can dispute that, which is why I said it was indisputable. I didn't think we'd be walking into a buzzsaw when the Miami Ohioans strutted into the Camp, but apparently I need to readjust my expectations. Hope we can overcome this incredible deficit of statistical dominance.

FRAT BROS FORCED THE SCHOOL TO CLOSE AND TURN INTO AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

Students in 1848 participated in the "Snowball Rebellion". Defying the faculty's stance against fraternities, students packed Old Main, one of Miami's main classrooms and administrative buildings, with snow and reinforced the snow with chairs, benches and desks from the classroom. Those who had participated in the rebellion were expelled from the school and Miami's student population was more than halved. By 1873, enrollment fell further to 87 students. The board of trustees closed the school in 1873, and leased the campus for a grammar school. The period prior to its closing is referred to as "Old Miami."

I think that's really cute. It's good to know bros back then had the same thought processes as bros these days. Timeless bro-nation, America the Beautiful.

NOTABLE ALUMNI

• Benjamin Harrison, 23rd President of the United States. It kinda sucks for them that they had an alum be president . . . and he was arguably the least important president in the history of the world. Most people couldn't give me a decade when Harrison served, let alone anything remarkable he did. Bottom rung president.

• Chung Un-chan, former Prime Minister of South Korea. I think that's the GOOD Korea, too! I'm always fascinated when foreign leaders go to random schools in the States. How do you transition from an economics degree at the second most famous Miami school that happens to be located in Ohio to being the leader of the Good Korea? Sick career pivot.

• Mike "Doc" Emrick, hockey announcer. His voice means hockey, that's cool.

• Elle Fowler, YouTube beauty guru. Like, that's your official title in life. But hey, she and her sister parlayed that YouTube beauty guru momentum into a book deal:

The two later released a novel entitled Beneath the Glitter (written by a ghost writer, as cited at the end of it), with the character supposedly being only loosely based on the Fowler sisters.

If you're scoring at home she wrote a book that's kinda about her and oh yeah she did not actually write the book. If you're the ghost writer, that's gotta be rock bottom. How do you tell your family and your friends that YOU were actually the genius behind Beneath the Glitter? Are ghost writers allowed to disclose their ghost writing nature? If I ghost wrote a book for YouTube beauty gurus I'd probably write it down on a piece of paper, lock it in a safe and throw it in the ocean and never say a WORD to anyone about it.

• C. Michael Armstrong former CEO of AT&T, Hughes Electronics and Comcast Corporation; former Chairman of the Board of the IBM World Trade Corporation. Good luck getting that resume on one page. Shocker special: a guy with that resume named 'C. Michael Armstrong' is an old white guy. How many guesses would that have taken you?

• Brian Niccol, Chief Marketing and Innovation Officer of Taco Bell. That has got to be one of my dream jobs. Is Brian Niccol the brains behind the Doritos locos tacos? Is he pumping out these awesome new daredevil grillers? Was the Quesarito his concoction? Man, apparently he's been since upgraded to CEO of Taco Bell. I bet he demands they do cool stuff on Snapchat as well. I send ALL of my snaps to Taco Bell, just because. And you want PROOF that he's a real man with good taste that deserves your respect?

Of all the menu items, Niccol's favorite is the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, a flatbread slathered in cheese and wrapped around a crunchy taco. He usually orders two. "It's got everything that's great about Taco Bell," Niccol said. "It has cheesy, beefy, crunchy, it's melted, it's just awesome."

If Brian Niccol runs for President then I'm quitting my job to be his campaign manager. End of story. This is a man with VISION.

• Ben Roethlisberger (2012), NFL player, two time Super Bowl winning quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. And also fat-faced kinda-maybe-sorta-rapist. This guy sucks.

• Donna Shalala, former U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services for President Bill Clinton, current president of the University of Miami (Florida) and a graduate of the Western College for Women prior to its merger with Miami University. And also former Chancellor of UW-Madison SLASH certified member of the #b2db crew.

• Nick Lachey, pop musician; 98 Degrees. I find the wording in this blurb about his relationship with Jessica Simpson a little . . . concerning:

They subsequently began dating after meeting again at a Teen People event in January 1999, but broke up for five months beginning in April 2001 until getting back together following the 9/11 attacks.

Were the 9/11 attacks pivotal in their reconciliation? Could their relationship not last once the juice from a terrorist attack stopped flowing? Was Bin Laden's plan all along to UNITE these lovers?

Questions on top of questions surrounded by more questions.

BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS

1) Ohio State, 1-0 (0-0). Oh, sweet, you converted your former amazing quarterback into an already amazing wide receiver. Isn't that convenient.

2) Michigan State, 1-0 (0-0). Didn't look like world beaters, which probably just means my pipe dream of facing them in the B1G Championship game is definitely a no-go.

3) Wisconsin, 0-1 (0-0). 26-39, 228 yards, 2 TD against one of the best teams in football history. #StaveHeisman

4) Illinois, 1-0 (0-0). Fired their coach, had their season opener postponed a day due to mother nature, then went out and won 52-3. I'm going to pretend to think they might not be terrible!

5) Northwestern, 1-0 (0-0). Seems pretty formulaic by now: they win a game that makes you think they're pretty good, and then they'll probably go lose to Indiana and Purdue and struggle to make a bowl.

6) Nebraska, 0-1 (0-0). Can't even explain how happy I am that there's a new Hail Mary highlight in the conference to push our debacle against MSU back. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

7) Minnesota, 0-1 (0-0). Moral victory.

8) Iowa, 1-0 (0-0). Color me unimpressed.

9) Michigan, 0-1 (0-0). This was the one we needed to happen. NEEDED Michigan to lose, and to keep losing. 4ever.

10) Maryland, 1-0 (0-0). I know literally nothing about Maryland football other than they better win now because they're going to lose a lot of games later on.

11) Indiana, 1-0 (0-0). Indiana 48, Southern Illinois 47 -- not the result of an ugly 5-12 matchup in the NCAA tournament. 

12) Purdue, 0-1 (0-0). LOL purdue

13) Penn State, 0-1 (0-0). And to think, Temple used to be one of our buy games. That one stings.

14) Rutgers, 1-0 (0-0). I might change the number '14' in my phone to autocorrect to 'Rutgers'.

THE BEER SCENE: OXFORD

I'd love to tell you all about the top-rated Quarter Barrel Brewery & Pub in Oxford, but they have a minor website problem:

What year is it? How does any real business in 2015 not have a real website? This is insanity. We can learn nothing about their beer because they do not have the slightest idea how to Internet. Just a few hostesses running the Facebook page in between seating guests. Welcome to Oxford. Party on.

PS -- Every Yelp review talks about something called a lavosh. Unless you're a weirdo from Oxford or Miami, then you're probably as clueless as I was. A bacon lavosh is bacon, roasted red pepper, cheddar, green onion, herb aioli and balsamic glaze on a giant sesame cracker. Sounds like someone tried inventing healthy pizza and then realized they have bacon and cheese and aioli and still have carbs. Here's what it looks like:

I mean, yeah, I'd stuff that in my face. Can I get a side of ranch with it?

PPS --“ Oxford, not the #foodporn capital of America. An iPhone 6S can't teach this person how to take a decent pic.

MATCHUP TO WATCH

UW's Suddenly Mortal Running Game vs. Miami (Ohio) Run Defense. The combination of a battered and inexperienced offensive line and a dinged-up Corey Clement is shaping up to be a slight concern for Wisconsin fans. I don't want to take the Miami (Ohio) approach to analysis and make sweeping statements after one game, so I'm not gonna tell you we won't be able to run the ball this year. But the depth behind Clement is questionable at best, and without the big horses up front paving the way, yards won't be easy to come by.

So let's just rush for 500 yards Saturday and move on like this was never an issue.

THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

Time for a bounceback

Home opener should be fun

Win by a million

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

If my goal is to find an incredibly stupid video every week that brings me the joy, then this is the winner. Love it.

PREDICTION CITY

This is not a week to mess around. Gotta right the ship after hitting a speed bump. Speed bump in the ocean, it's all making sense now. THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 55, MIAMI DE OHIO 9

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