The Bachelor Recap, Episode 9

Last night Ben managed to unite America more than any politician will on this Super Tuesday. Everyone in America agrees that he is an absolute moron. Telling both finalists that you love them is never ever done on this show, and for good reason. While I understand his deal with reality later approach, that only works in certain cases -- this not being one of them.

Let's talk about how these clowns definitely didn't do anything but talk and cuddle in the fantasy suite.

Caila kicks things off with the run and jump hug. Ben talks about how bubbly and fun Caila is....and then they float down a river in the middle of a Jamaican jungle not saying a single word to each other. This goes on for an extended period of time. Lauren and JoJo would literally have to kill Ben on their dates to not get a rose. Caila says she knows she's acting awkward, but it's hard for her to not think about the 2 other girls. Every year it's like the contestants have never seen the show before.

Ben and Caila discuss her awkwardness, which to me is almost more awkward. Caila then says she loves him but knows he can't tell her the same, which is sweet foreshadowing by the producers. She calls him a "sly fox" as she reads the card about the fantasy suite, which of course they both agree to use. You know this isn't going to end well, so the second hand embarrassment is high while watching Caila tell him she loves him again the morning after.

Lauren B. is up next. She walks up looking like she just got done, uhh, we'll go with "riding a horse." Are these dates shown out of order? If I wasn't a nice person I would count how many times she says the word "like" but just know she said it, like, entirely too many times. Ben and Lauren go to the beach and release baby sea turtles into the wild. I honestly don't think we have seen Ben this excited about anything the entire season.

Ben tells Lauren he cried to her sister because he likes her so much. Then they argue about which one of them is outkicking their coverage more. Groan. At dinner, Lauren tells him that she's in love with him, and Ben, being an absolute moron as already noted, tells her that he loves her too. This kicks off a string of I love yous as they proceed to tell each other repeatedly. I NEED MORE WINE. Lauren says she doesn't know if she can stay over night with Ben, and then immediately is all "should we go now?" Big props to the camera guy with the close up of their clothes thrown all over the floor of the room the next morning. They definitely only stayed up and talked though. There's another round of I love yous, and now I'm yelling, "You've only known him for 8 weeks!" at my tv.

Then it's off to JoJo. But first we get to listen to Ben's internal struggle about how this day is all about JoJo, and he'll deal with the possibly of telling two girls he loves them later. Idiot. They visit a waterfall that is the prettiest thing JoJo's ever seen. Honestly, it wasn't THAT pretty.

After frolicking in the water, JoJo tells Ben she loves him. In a familiar scene, he responds, "JoJo, I love you too." She freaks out, because OMG. I freak out, because this guy is going to cry so many tears when he has to deal with this "reality" later, and I'll have to watch it. JoJo and Ben agree to go to the fantasy suite, because duh, and the next morning they're all I love you too blah blah blah. Would've loved a picture in picture of JoJo's brothers reacting to her in the fantasy suite.

Then the Bachelor gods looked down on me with a blessing in the middle of this horribly boring episode. I realize I have been blocked on Twitter by former Bachelorette Andi. I am entirely too proud of this accomplishment. Next, I realize there are 30 more minutes left in the episode but all the dates are over. Something half way decent has to come out of this, and oh baby did it ever!

Ben is sitting by the water, gazing into the distance, and probably trying not to cry again. Caila decides to pay him a surprise visit. She pops in pissing unicorns and sunshine while we've been listening to Ben talk about breaking up with her. So much second hand embarrassment watching this. Not only does she surprise him with a visit, she goes in for the surprise kiss. Ben's in panic mode. He breaks up with her and says he's going to miss her. She tells him that's probably just a line. YESSSS. Give me more of this. Caila gets in the car sobbing, then stops the car as it's driving away to get closure. Girl, no. You just got dumped on national television, send him a text if you need to but do not get out of that car. But she wants answers, dammit! She doesn't really get them, gets back in the car, and sobs more. Her dad is watching back home thinking, "Told ya so."

Rose ceremony! It takes JoJo and Lauren entirely too long to realize that they are the only two left. Instead of just walking down and telling them this, Ben feels the need to give us a sermon. Bro, there's two chicks and two roses, pass them out and let's go.

Next week, my girl Olivia is back to talk smart things on Women Tell All. I'm entirely too excited for this so you can follow along on twitter @MattieLouOKTC, and we'll judge each girl's level of bitterness together. Then I'll proceed to bitch about whoever they announce as the new Bachelorette. If it's Caila, I will riot. A real riot, not the Mizzou kind. Now go vote kids.