How ironic: 11 jersey options for your hipster friend
Hipsters get a bad rap these days.
Sure, some of them might find professional sports mainstream and lame, but just as many do enjoy going to stadiums and arenas to take in a game.
And they can make great friends, if you can rip them away from their collections of Elvis Costello albums -- but nothing after Get Happy!! -- on vinyl for long enough.
However, when it comes to the conformity of wearing a team jersey to a game, that's probably where they jump off. Maybe he or she just isn't comfortable being the 10,000th person at a Lakers game wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey.
That's cool, we get it. And we're here to help. Here are 11 jerseys -- if they don't exist, they absolutely need to be created -- that your hipster buddy can wear to an event.
1. "Big Country" Bryant Reeves -- Vancouver Grizzlies
Your hipster friend's take: "Most of you NBA fanboy sellouts probably don't know the Grizzlies weren't always in Memphis. Open your eyes, sheeple!"
Why this jersey works: Reeves was as old-school as the franchise can get -- he was the first draft choice in Grizzlies' history. And what's more important to a hipster than being the absolute first at something? So, while everyone else in the Tennessee crowd is rocking their Marc Gasol gear, your buddy can smile in smug satisfaction at being a real Grizzlies fan.
2. Bobby Grich -- California Angels
Your hipster friend's take: "Stop calling them the Los Angeles Angels, you fools! They're in Anaheim! And Rally Monkeys are so cliché!"
Why this jersey works: Don't bother with Mike Trout or Albert Pujols shirts, because your friend won't be interested in those obvious options. Dig deep. Go all the way back to the 1980s for the second baseman who once famously said: "I was short on talent so I had to be long on intensity." What's better is Grich wasn't even among the most popular players on the team during his time. He was just a scrapper. And check out that wicked mustache. What a winner!
3. Rance Mulliniks -- Toronto Blue Jays
Your hipster friend's take: "Baseball started to get watered down when it expanded north of the border."
Why this jersey works: Don't toss your hipster buddy an oar, because he's not interested in paddling up your mainstream. So, put down the Jose Bautista wristbands and the Joe Carter signed baseball. The best option here is to get the jersey for the utility infielder from the 1980s. Nothing will make your friend happier than the blank stares she will draw when people try to figure out what the name is on the back of her jersey. "Oh, you don't know who Rance Mulliniks is? He only batted .300 in three different seasons. Believe it or not, there was baseball played before the 1990s!"
4. David Ortiz -- Minnesota Twins
Your hipster friend's take: "YOUR HERO BIG PAPI DIDN'T START HIS CAREER IN BOSTON!"
Why this jersey works: Even if your buddy is a diehard Red Sox fan, he still probably feels that Ortiz sold out when he came to Beantown -- which is another name your friend hates. No, he feels Ortiz was more real when he was a somewhat-in-shape player with a gap in his teeth who split his time between the bigs and the minors. They'll have fun tooling around Fenway wearing the "original" David Ortiz regalia with prideful contempt.
5. Pedro Martinez -- Los Angeles Dodgers
Your hipster friend's take: "Signing Jackie Robinson was the last good decision this franchise made!"
Why this jersey works: Dodger fans are easy to hate on. There isn't a fan base more myopic and annoying, and they don't seem to mind their traffic-snarled stadium and traffic-snarled city. What's a 45-minute wait to use the bathroom in your own home when you've got such beautiful sunsets, right?
Anyway, your hipster buddy might enjoy the subtle dig of reminding the faithful at Chavez Ravine of one of the franchise's biggest bungles: trading a young Pedro Martinez for second baseman Delino DeShields. The latter didn't do much in Los Angeles and we all know what happened once Pedro landed in Montreal.
6. Jeff George -- Indianapolis Colts
Your hipster friend's take: "I used to be able to get reasonably priced tickets to games before the days of Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck. So many fair-weather fans here now!"
Why this jersey works: Colts fans need a reminder that there was once a No. 1 overall pick who didn't work out so well in Indianapolis and also had an enviable mustache.
Rocking a Jeff George jersey shows that she was indeed there before all the yahoos showed up in 1998. She suffered throughout the Jeff George years while everyone else was on the Pacers bandwagon. George was 14-39 as a starting quarterback and she still came every week! What better way to prove original fandom? She'll be more than happy to remind people that the Colts fans of the present don't deserve their Blue Heaven because they didn't suffer through the dark years of ineptitude hell of the past.
7. The Fisherman -- New York Islanders
Your hipster friend's take: "Of course the team is moving to Brooklyn. Sellouts! Sellouts! Sellouts! What's wrong? Being among a tough, salt-of-the-earth group of people isn't good enough for you? Fine! Go! You can move to Manhattan for all I care!"
Why this jersey works: It's bogus that the Islanders are leaving Long Island after their rich and storied history there. But whatever. Here's a chance for your Long Island hipster buddy -- who feels Brooklyn hipsters are too mainstream -- to get some last-minute revenge by reminding the franchise of another horrible decision they made: those hideous jerseys with the Gorton's fisherman emblazoned on the front.
8. Gorman Thomas -- Milwaukee Brewers
Your hipster friend's take: "I've been a fan since Bernie Brewer actually slid into the mug of beer!"
Why this jersey works: Thomas is considered one of the most popular players in franchise history and normally, that would be a cause for scorn for any hipster. But, among all of the mustaches that have existed in professional story, Thomas' is near the top.
And sometimes, an epic mustache is enough.
9. Garo Yepremian -- Miami Dolphins
Your hipster friend's take: "The 1972 undefeated team, blah blah, blah. How long are we going to have to hear about this? A bunch of lucky bounces as far as I'm concerned!"
Why this jersey works: Your hipster buddy probably changes the channel in a flash every time she sees Don Shula or Mercury Morris. Don't worry, she'll feel better and probably get a few pats on the back if she shows up to the stadium wearing the jersey of the balding Cypriot kicker who is responsible for the goofiest play in Super Bowl history. (Look it up)
Here's something that will make her even happier: Yepremian is from Europe! You know what they play over in Europe? The "real" football! Nothing more hipster than football right?
10. Lew Alcindor -- Milwaukee Bucks
Your hipster friend's take: "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was better before he became a Hollywood sellout."
Why this jersey works: Yes, it's true. People in La-La Land like to forget that before he won five championships for the Lakers and starred in such movies as "Airplane!" and "BASEketball," Kareem Abdul-Jabbar played for a completely different team. He even had a different name: Lew Alcindor.
Every hipster would take love giving those Los Angeles phonies a little history lesson. And taking them back to a time when Milwaukee was a basketball mecca and men wore giant goggles.
11. Rollie Fingers -- Oakland A's
There has never been and there never will be a mustache more hipster than the piece of glory that sits atop Fingers' upper lip.
Alrighty, have an ironically good time!