Dear Aggies and Mizzou: Buckle up!

Dear Missouri and Texas A&M:

Welcome! As of Sunday, it's finally official. Great to have you in the SEC, the land of sweet tea, Waffle Houses, people who still say "sir" and "ma'am" without a hint of irony, and the last six national champions in college football.

Hope you like it here. There is so much to love, especially on fall Saturdays when all vestiges of Southern decorum are hidden away with the chifferobe, and the spectacle of fanaticism is put on full display.

Yes, your new conference kin love some football. And since many of you were still in middle school the last time a team not from the SEC hoisted the crystal BCS trophy, you should perhaps take a few moments to put the gridiron madness of the South into perspective.

There was no such thing as an iPhone the last time a team outside the SEC held the national title. You could still buy books at Borders, and only college kids were allowed on Facebook, too.   
Four Olympic Games have been contested (two Winter and two Summer) and at least two Presidential elections will be held, all while the SEC passes the championship crown around like a peace pipe.  

You get the picture.

Now, the welcome mat will be long and plush. You'll see a lot of smiling faces when you visit your fellow Southeasterners.  But there are a few things you need to know right off the bat:

1. You can't still be friends. Those cousins and co-workers in Arkansas and Alabama, Tennessee and Florida might be delightful people, but once you commit to an SEC team, all others must necessarily fall somewhere between slow-witted malcontents and mortal enemies. Sure, Aggies, you've had a rivalry with Texas. And, yes, Mizzou, Kansas fans aren't high on your Christmas card list. But this is a conference where people poison trees; where tens of thousands show up in team colors for National Signing Day, and where stadiums fill for spring scrimmages. Your fellow SEC schools are not an old girlfriend you still text after a couple of drinks. There are no amicable breakups.

2. You might think you've heard loud roars before. You might argue that you've been places where your teeth hurt from the noise. But what you've experienced so far have been golf claps compared to the decibel chambers that are SEC stadiums. When fans get revved up in the Swamp in Gainesville, Fla. and Bryant-Denny in Tuscaloosa, Ala., it sounds more like a full-throttle NASCAR race than a football game. Death Valley in Baton Rouge is the worst. The sounds on the sidelines there hit you in the chest like a would-be tackler. Not only are you likely to lose the game, you'll probably lose part of your hearing as well.     

3. According to Dante's "Inferno" Hell is only slightly hotter than Columbia, S.C., in September. Baton Rouge, Oxford, Auburn, Athens and Gainesville can also be less than temperate. It's going to take a few games to get the hang of it. Calling yourself a Southerner doesn't mean you understand hot and humid football any more than calling yourself a bird means you can fly.

4. Police escorts through SEC towns make presidential motorcades look like Disneyland parades.  Expect to be awed the first couple of times you ride from your hotel to the stadium. Even the coaches say "wow" the first time.

5. The cowbells in Starkville, Miss., sound like a locust plague. You will still be hearing them well into Sunday afternoon.

6. You know the off-balance, run-and-shoot offenses that defined the Big 12 in the last decade? Yeah, those aren't going to work here.  Defenses in the SEC are big, fast, and Dick Butkus kind of mean. You'd better bring equally large offensive linemen and bruising running backs who can grind out yards after contact.  Otherwise, it's going to be a long couple of seasons.

7. And while it looks good in the alumni newsletters, bowl appearances don't mean that much if they aren't the last one of the season.  A majority of the teams in the conference go to this bowl or that. You are really having an off year if you don't at least make it to the Liberty or Outback bowl. Bragging about them will earn you more than a few chuckles.

8. Phrases like "Roll Tide," "War Eagle," "Go Dawgs" and "Woo Pig" aren't exclusive to football, or even sports. They are passwords to an exclusive club uttered with a kind of passion you probably haven't experienced yet.

9. And just so you know, there aren't any easy SEC games.  Those teams that have historically dwelled in the cellar – Vanderbilt, Ole Miss, Kentucky – would make it to the championship game in other conferences.  Underestimate them at your peril.

10. Finally, if you ever make it that far, the biggest game you will play in the SEC Championship Game. Win that, and your national championship game will probably be like a non-conference season-opener.

So, again, welcome. And good luck.

You are certainly going to need it.