All That and a Bag of Mail: Jordan Matthews Puke and Rally Edition

The Friday mailbag has arrived.

And with it, so has college football season.  

I'm not sure we'll have very many games that are better than Ole Miss at Vandy last night. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Vanderbilt receiver Jordan Matthews who had the greatest puke and rally performance in recent college football history last night. 

Now let's dive into the mailbag. 

Lots of you on Twitter and email have been sending me a variation on this question:

"How should Johnny Manziel celebrate his first touchdown?"

I've got several ideas. 

Last night on our kickoff show on Fox Sports 1 I suggested that after his first touchdown he should sign the football with a sharpie he kept in his sock -- TO style -- and then throw it into the stands. 

The Internet might break. 

A few other ideas that I've got. 

1. Pull up his jersey to reveal the above t-shirt -- Sign this NCAA -- which is presently being sold in College Station.

Can you imagine the reaction?

2. Make it rain signed 8 by 10's while standing on the sideline bench.  

3. Tweet ESPN reporters Darren Rovell and Joe Schad an at mention from the sideline after the first touchdown:

LOL

4. Tweet a picture of his touchdown to the University of Texas's official Twitter account with the phrase, "You mad bro?"

All of these would be outstanding.

But number one would be the best.  

"Jeff C. writes:

Claire Danes character from Homeland is leading the NCAA interrogation of Manziel. Of course she falls in love with him, but what does she say to make the autograph signing terrorist of the NCAA crack."

"I'll give you ten million dollars to admit you sold your autographs."

Then they have furious and passionate on the metal desk sex despite the fact that Johnny Manziel is handcuffed to his chair.   

Several of you are sending me this cheap shot video of a North Carolina player diving at Clowney's knees:

Why do I think all college football players should be able to go pro whenever they so desire?

Because of plays like this.

Look at this UNC lineman take a dirty shot at Jadeveon Clowney's knees.

Can you imagine if Clowney was out of the season and the injury was career-threatening?

Brant W. writes:

"I'm in the process of getting a graduate degree from Alabama. My undergraduate degree is also from Alabama. I've lived in Alabama most of my life.



I was recently talking with some friends about where we would want to work. The question came up, how much would it take for you to work at Auburn? Jokingly all the Alabama grads said that we would never do it. But then we really started talking about. Everyone has their price, that's how life works, anyone can be bought. Coming out of grad school I said it would take at least $115k a year for me to work at Auburn. In any position that would be the absolute minimum. And I would catch hell for it on both sides of this state.



Are other states and rivalries this twisted? What do you think the average price point would be for graduates of schools to work for their rival? I say graduates because at least there is some sort of educated predictability in the majority of people who have graduated from most universities. The Updykes of the world can't be predicted."

See, I think the size of the city or town matters more than the rival school.

Maybe that's because I'm older.  

For instance, if you work at Auburn it's pretty hard to escape that you work at Auburn because the entire town revolves around the university. But if you worked in Nashville for Vanderbilt or in Lexington for UK or in Baton Rouge for LSU would it be that big of a deal? Lots of other hated rivals are in decent-sized towns or at least places that are big enough where you could escape the university's gravitational pull. 

Plus, let's be honest, working at a college or university is a pretty cushy job.

I think a better question than this is -- how much more money would you have to make to move to Gary, Indiana? (Or whichever city or town that you consider to be the worst in the United States). Gary, Indiana is an awful place, but you would be one of the richest guys or girls there. 

So how much would your income have to increase to move there?

I think it would take five times my present salary to get me to move my family to Gary, Indiana. And I'm still not sure five times my salary would be enough if you also established the parameter that you couldn't bank a big salary for several years and then move to wherever else you would choose to live. You have to live there the rest of your life in that community. (You can vacation elsewhere, but you have to be there at least 48 weeks a year).

You can expand this question too: what would it cost to move your family overseas? Like, how much would you have to make to move your family to Egypt right now to live for the rest of your life? Syria? Is there any number?

And now we all pause to watch Matthew Stafford's girlfriend, Kelly Hall, dance in her bikini while on vacation in Costa Rica. 

You'll note, and I'm not making this up, that one of the comments on the video is from Riley Cooper. 

God bless SEC girls. 

2.  How much ridicule should I subject Kevin to over this incident with our friends, or does he get a pass since I'm the one that found the towel?

3. Is Kevin secretly an a------ trying to create a rift between me and my wife, I mean how the hell do you not notice the towel you left hanging?" 

Wait, why do you have to lie to your wives about calling in sick to work to go golf instead?

Would they really be that upset? I mean, you only took off a half day of work, what's the big deal here?

It's like you guys are having a golf affair.  

If my wife found an extra towel at the house -- the fact that he brought his own towel makes this feel like high school gym class -- I'd just tell her that I'd called in sick to play golf and my friend came over to take a shower after. 

(P.S. the only way this story could get better is if Kevin was having an affair, your wife came home and caught him and another woman in your shower together. Can you imagine the swing in emotions here? From fury at believing it was you to complete shock at seeing your friend with another woman in your shower.)

Jimmy D. writes:

Bolt running backwards would still beat the average person sprinting forwards by a substantial margin. 

There's no doubt at all. 

I don't even think I could beat LeBron if he only had one leg to use and had to hop throughout our game. This would be outstanding to watch on television. He could definitely back me down while dribbling and hopping and dunk on me every time.

So I'm not sure I could ever stop him defensively.

Can he switch legs if he starts to get tired of hopping?

My best strategy might be to try and keep it close until his leg gets tired.

Could I ever score on him? He could contest my outside shots just by standing still. If I tried to drive past him could he get back to the rim in time on one foot? 

This would be a great television show because you could come up with so many hypotheticals.  

For instance, could Tiger Woods beat me -- or the average American golfer -- playing only with a putter while you had access to every club in your bag? I think he could.

Could Lance Armstrong beat me up a big hill on a big wheel if I had a bike? I think so. 

The possibilities of this are endless. 

Aaron C. writes:

I'm 100% with you on the tax code though. I took a taxation of non-profit entities class taught by David Williams, now the AD at Vanderbilt, and it was the most eye-opening class I took in law school. 

I went in thinking the tax code was a boring collection of rules and regulations and that there wasn't much art or creativity involving in practicing tax law. I left completely blown away by what a complete and total mess the tax code was. The smartest lawyers can play it like a fiddle. 

The fact that college athletics is non-profit is completely and totally absurd.

Did you know that 80% of the cost of a luxury suite at a college stadium is tax deductible? That all these bowls are "non-profit?" Did you know that if these mega-television deals are structured correctly that colleges and conferences don't pay tax on their television money? That's billions of dollars a year in TV money that's untaxed. 

Remember, non-profit doesn't mean you don't make money, it just means you fit the definition of a tax exempt organization. Lots of non-profits make tons of money. 

Regardless of your politics, our tax code is completely and totally screwed.

The fact that major college programs are tax exempt is pretty unbelievable, but the tax code is such a mess that major athletic departments are far from the only entities saving a ton of money at the expense of logic and equity.