All That and a Bag of Mail: Jessica Dorrell in Playboy Edition

I make this promise to y'all: All That and a Bag of Mail is back for good. 

For longtime readers you know we debuted the mailbag back in 2006 and it was a weekly staple of the CBS column every Friday. Come noon you could rely on the mailbag to distract you for a few minutes as you whiled away the hours until the weekend started. 

I wrote hundreds of columns at CBS, but my favorite to write was the mailbag. 

That's because I got to wade through all your emails and they were consistently brilliant and entertaining.

Now it's even easier to interact than ever before thanks to Twitter, Facebook, and continued emails, but this also means that the deluge makes it hard to keep track of all the Tweets, questions, and whatnot that y'all send my way. Especially since I respond to lots of your questions and retweet them. But from this point forward I promise to do better.

All that and a Bag of Mail is back. 

This week is all email, but we'll have more and more Tweets included as we move forward. 

My promise to you is that All That and a Bag of Mail will be up every Friday by the time lunch arrives.   

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Pat Summitt, who I believe time will show is the most significant sports figure in University of Tennessee history. 

Right now that honor belongs to General Neyland, but I think Summitt's lasting influence is more substantial than Neyland's. Put simply, Pat Summitt was a transcendent figure who heralded the rise of women's athletics across the country.

In decades to come, when legacies are truly developed, I believe that Summitt's significance will continue to grow. 

She's a true original. 

Best wishes to she and her family. 

Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail:

Brian writes:

Two questions: How long will it take the Secret Service's Colombian prostitute to do American porn and second, is this the best advertisement for Colombian tourism ever?

I think she's doing American porn right now as you read this. Hell, Vivid has probably already sought a work visa for her. 

It's not like porn is a big leap. 

If you're willing to sleep with anyone in Latin America who gives you $500 then getting $40 or $50k to have sex on camera is the equivalent of a Colombian hooker winning the mega millions. 

At least the porn stars shower and know what they're doing. Can you imagine how awkward the sex is when any drunk, old guy can sleep with you? (Women reading this right now are cringing.)  

Second question, this is an absolute gold mine for Colombian tourism. There's no way they could have bought this publicity. And the country could never have gotten away with an advertising campaign based on legal prostitution in the tropics.  

The only people who lose out are the guys with the bachelor parties already scheduled for Colombia who have been telling their fiancees that the reason they want to go there is to "experience another culture."

Right.

By "experience another culture" they mean do blow off the ass of a Colombian prostitute.

Congrats, ladies, you've got a keeper. 

I used to wonder how Gabriel Garcia-Marquez came up with the magical realist stories he did. Now, I know, cheap drugs and cheap prostitutes.

Chris writes: 

The Lane Price and Pete Campbell fight on "Mad Men" was the best boxing match of the year.

But it got me thinking, which two coaches would you most like to see fight like this? I'm going Lane Kiffin and Phil Fulmer just because Lane Kiffin seems a lot like Pete Campbell to me and I think Phil Fulmer really wants to kill Kiffin.

You? 

First, that episode was absolutely spectacular, the best single episode that will be on television this year. If you aren't watching "Mad Men" you're wasting your life. 

Second, brilliant question: 

Kiffin and Fulmer is up there, maybe tops for me too but that could be a regional bias creeping in.

I'm going to let y'all vote on this because I've got several ideas:

a. Rick Pitino vs. John Calipari

I also would like to see Bobby Knight vs. John Calipari because I think it ends with Knight choking Calipari to death with a red sweater. 

b. Bill Belichick vs. Rex Ryan

This is assuming someone in building security doesn't execute Belichick when he enters wearing a hoodie. 

c. Nick Saban vs. Gene Chizik

Would Chizik ask for a minute to take off his leather jacket? Would Saban adopt the "Karate Kid" Daniel LaRusso stance?

I think both of these things would happen before a single punch was thrown. 

d. Lane Kiffin vs. Urban Meyer

I solicited Twitter to see who y'all suggested there and Kiffin vs. Meyer was by far the top choice. 

Proving that no matter what happens Kiffin has to be included in this fight. 

e. Mark Mangino vs. Charlie Weis

Fat men fighting never gets old. 

I'm not even sure these two guys know each other, but their fight for all the pork rinds in Kansas would be fun to watch. 

f. Jim Harbaugh vs. Jim Schwartz

Given the popularity of the NFL, how much money could this fight raise on pay-per-view?

I'd pay to watch it. 

Especially if HBO ran a 24/7 special in advance of the fight.

Mike writes:

Your SEC coaches as Civil War generals was my favorite all-time OKTC article. Surely Petrino can be somebody else now? There had to be a Civil War general that got in trouble with ladies?

No doubt we need a revision on Petrino's Civil War general. 

Back in December I wrote that Petrino was Patrick Cleburne:

"Both men are offensive geniuses who ended up in Arkansas from wayward locales -- Ireland for Cleburne, Montana for Petrino.

Both men toiled just beneath the limelight -- Cleburne never advanced beyond division commander -- and Petrino has never coached a truly top-notch program.

The number one wish of neo-Confederates? That Patrick Cleburne had been given command of the western theater."

Now that Petrino's out of the SEC, I have to say he's become Fighting Joe Hooker, the Union general who was whipped at Chancellorsville. 

Yes, the analogy is a bit strained, but Hooker's exposed right flank at Chancellorsville is Petrino's Dorrell, and the motorcyle accident was the equivalent of Stonewall Jackson's sneak attack.

Jennifer writes: 

Jessica Dorrell only got $14k from Arkansas. That's not much considering she can't work in athletics any more. 

My friends and I have been debating how much would Playboy pay Jessica Dorrell to pose nude? Is there a big market? How many people in Arkansas would buy the magazine?

I got the Playboy question in this email and from so many people on Twitter it was astounding.

Let's begin with the idea of what Playboy would pay. Lindsay Lohan reportedly got nearly $1 million.  But Playboy's initial offer was just $750k. Lohan is a massive star who lots of guys starting picturing naked way back when she was starring in Herbie movies. And, amazingly, Lohan had never appeared nude in any movie prior to her Playboy photo shoot.  

So if the market for a well known superstar like Lohan is less than a million then Dorrell, who is only known by a fraction of the men in the country that Lohan is, would bring in much less to pose nude. 

But, here's the rub -- so to speak -- how many SEC fans would buy the magazine just to see the girl who brought down Petrino? There's a story here with Dorrell that there wasn't for Lohan. So that bumps up her market value.  

Playboy retails for $5.99.

Assume that Playboy makes around $2 per issue off newstand sales.

That means the Lindsay Lohan issue of Playboy would have to sell 500,000 more copies to pay for her to pose nude. (You could argue that some people might be more likely to subscribe for the year because of Lohan's pictures, but that doesn't seem very likely in an age when finding any woman nude is basically a Google search away. Ironically enough Playboy really does have to be about the articles now.)

The question becomes: would SEC fans who wouldn't have otherwise bought Playboy buy Playboy if Dorrell was nude in it?

Confession: I'd buy that magazine and otherwise I haven't bought a Playboy magazine -- aside from Girls of the SEC which we'll get to later -- in six or seven years. I suspect lots of y'all would buy too and I further suspect that lots of women would buy it too because they'd be intrigued by the story element.

How many SEC fans would buy this magazine that wouldn't have bought it otherwise?

I'm going with around 200,000.  

That's roughly 20,000 people per SEC state.

That seems pretty reasonable. The only catch here is that the pictures would leak online and get bounced around all over the Internet for free. Which is a risk that devalues the pose.   

So I'm going with Dorrell's value -- in conjunction with an interview and the requisite risk of naked photos leaking online -- being around $200k.

Now, here's the better question, if you're Bobby Petrino's lawyers do you go ahead and buy her silence to keep her from ever telling her story or posing nude and futher embarrassing your client?

I think so.  

By the way, an easy fix that would have worked -- put Dorrell on the cover of the college girls edition of the Playboy SEC issue. Unfortunately the Playboy SEC girls edition, the one I bought, came out in November 2011. So it won't cycle back around for several years.