A definitive (and highly subjective) 2014 bobblehead ranking: NL edition

I’m crazy for bobbleheads. I tried for a while to pretend that I’m not a collector, because being a collector brings all sorts of unwanted pressure. But I’ve now got bobbleheads in boxes, that I’m not even displaying. Which makes me a collector, I guess.

What I guess I’m not is an obsessive collector. I just pick one up here and there, if it’s cheap and has some personal meaning to me. Cookie Rojas for twelve bucks? I’m in, man. But generally speaking, bobbleheads are like classic cars or World War II airplanes: I love looking at ‘em, but I don’t want to own ‘em.

Which is to say that I’m mostly just an interested fan. And I’m pleased by the bobblehead’s enduring place in the world of baseball promotions, as we’re far past the point of believing this is merely a fad.

So it was a labor of love for me to look at every major-league team’s bobblehead giveaways last season. For the sake of (relative) brevity, I’m splitting up the leagues and ranking them, National League first. And yes, my rankings are highly subjective. This is how I would feel about the bobbleheads if I were a fan of that particular team, and attending actual games. And I’m not including the limited giveaways to season-ticket holders, etc. Just the bobbles that anybody could get, just walking into the ballpark on the right day...

15. San Diego Padres
This was an easy one! The Padres were the only team in the majors that didn’t give away a single bobblehead last year. Oh, there was supposed to be one bobblehead giveaway. But not until the 20th of September. Which happened to be well after the Padres traded Chase Headley and Huston Street, two of their best players. Which might help explain this:

Oh, well then. Fine. I would rather have just gotten my Chase Headley bobblehead, trade be damned. But you have fun with your little concert.

14. Miami Marlins
Two good ones! Christian Yelich and Jose Fernandez. But only two ... and only the first 12,000 fans actually got them. I didn’t actually figure out how many pieces were given away by each team, but 24,000 bobbleheads is obviously not a lot of bobbleheads.

13. Colorado Rockies
The good news is the Rockies gave away a bunch of bobbles. The bad news is that the bunch included nine “gnome” bobbleheads, and among those nine were Dinger Bunny, Sasquatch, and Baby Bull.

12. New York Mets
Coming in 11th might seem like a poor showing, but it’s really more about the strong competition. The Mets gave away three bobbleheads: Nolan Ryan in 1969, Curtis Granderson, and Casey Stengel. It would have been hard to get excited about Granderson; by the 30th of August, his Bobble Day, it was obvious that the Mets wouldn’t be getting much for their $13 million. And while we all love Stengel, his bobblehead looks as much like George Clooney as the Ol’ Professor himself. Toss in the fact that bobbles were limited to the first 20,000 fans, and now I’m wondering if I’ve ranked the Mets too highly.

11. Pittsburgh Pirates
Only two were scheduled, before the season: Pedro Alvarez and Andrew McCutchen. What’s more, Alvarez didn’t play well last season, and on his Bobble Day he was batting just .213; ironically enough, his statue commemorated his 2013 Silver Slugger. But at least the Pirates gave out 25,000 of them. And we bumped the Bucs up a couple of notches because they added Honus Wagner to the schedule for August.

10. St. Louis Cardinals
Five bobbles, and good ones: Michael Wacha, Jack Buck, Jim Edmonds, Chris Carpenter (commemorating his retirement) and Jose Oquendo. My only quibble is with Buck, as he’s a) sitting behind a desk, and b) accompanied by a voice chip. I won’t argue that the voice chip isn’t a nifty thing. It’s just not to my taste. I prefer my bobbles gimmick-free. A bigger issue, though: The Cardinals handed out bobbles to the first 25,000 fans who were ... 16 or older? Don’t you save that restriction for ashtrays or whiskey flasks or something? So, let’s say you’re a single mom or dad, and you scrape together enough shekels to bring your two kids to the ballpark ... now which one gets the Michael Wacha bobblehead? The one who’s done more chores that week? /shaking my head

9. Philadelphia Phillies
Only three for the Phillies: Chase Utley, Roy Halladay, and Ryan Howard. And about Howard, I’m not sure I would want to be reminded. But the Phillies get bonus points for being one of only three teams in the majors – more about this later – who guarantee bobbleheads to ALL FANS.

8. Arizona Diamondbacks
It’s tough when you don’t have many bona fide stars, or a long history. But the Diamondbacks made the most of it last season, giving away Patrick Corbin, Gerardo Parra, Martin Prado, Bob Brenly – holding a microphone in one hand, a baseball in the other, and very reasonably priced on eBay! – and Paul Goldschmidt. The Goldschmidt bobble is fancy ... but a bit too fancy, in my estimation, as he’s flanked by both a Silver Bat and a Gold Glove. When it comes to bobbleheads, I agree with Shakespeare: the player’s the thing.

7. San Francisco Giants
The Giants gave away only four bobbleheads last season. Actually, they gave away five, but had only four giveaways. If you were one of the first 40,000 in the ballpark on the 28th of June, you received a Brandon Belt or a Brandon Crawford. And if you could prove that your first name was Brandon, you got both. The Giants also gave away Hunter Pence and Angel Pagan statues, and I do not care much for Hunter Pence riding a scooter. GIMMICK. But all that gets washed away by one of the greatest bobbleheads of 2014: Duane Kuiper hitting his only home run ... and in a Cleveland Indians uniform, no less. Yeah, I liked this one so much I actually got one. Still can’t understand why they’re so cheap!*

* Actually, I understand completely, and am glad my tastes run toward the esoteric.

6. Cincinnati Reds
Now we’re getting serious about bobbleheads, as the Reds gave away six of them, most of those pretty cool: Homer Bailey (commemorating his two no-hitters), Aroldis Chapman, Ken Griffey Jr. hitting his 500th home run, Billy Hamilton, Jay Bruce, and Mr. Redlegs sporting a 2015 All-Star Game jersey. There’s just a lot to like there, and 25,000 fans per giveaway is a solid number.

5. Washington Nationals
Just as much to like, with the Nats giving away seven bobbles: Jordan Zimmermann, Wilson Ramos, Bryce Harper, Denard Span, Ian Desmond, Tyler Clippard ... and Racing President Bill Taft.

4. Atlanta Braves
I haven’t been able to find anything about how many bobbleheads were actually handed out. But assuming a reasonable number, if I’m a Braves fan I’m pretty thrilled with the star power. Thanks to the Hall of Fame, among the six promotions were Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and Bobby Cox. Throw in Hank Aaron, Andrelton Simmons, and Evan Gattis – the latter the result of fan balloting – and there’s plenty for everybody.

3. Chicago Cubs
Make no mistake, the Cubs had the best and coolest bobbleheads last year. To celebrate the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field, they went deep: Joe Tinker, football stars Red Grange and Gale Sayers, broadcaster Jack Brickhouse, Ernie Banks, Kerry Wood’s 20-strikeout game, Greg Maddux’s 3000th strikeout, Babe Ruth’s “Called Shot” ... and the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. I got one of those on eBay, too. Alas, there was a catch: The Cubs gave out only 10,000 of each! The Chicago Cubs. Ten Thousand. This does not compute, and I’m actually tempted to drop the Cubs two or three slots on this list, simply because of the huge inconvenience involved for anyone who actually wanted to collect some or all of these nifty items at the ballpark.

2. Milwaukee Brewers
Now this is how you do it. Last year the Brewers gave away nine bobbleheads – my favorite is Hank the Ballpark Pup (which I own, of course), least favorite is “Chorizo” – and every fan was guaranteed a bobblehead. That’s a lot of bobbleheads, friends. And just think how many friends the Brewers made.

1. Los Angeles Dodgers
What’s amazing about the Dodgers is that they’re probably the last team that actually needs to worry about attracting people to the ballpark ... and yet they hosted a dozen bobblehead giveaways last season – or 11, if you don’t want to count the Hello Kitty mini – and the first 50,000 fans picked up their free gifts each time. As you might guess, considering the sheer number of events, there was plenty of variety, including Clayton Kershaw, Yasiel Puig, and A.J. Ellis for the kids; and Tommy Lasorda, Magic Johnson, and Babe Ruth (in Brooklyn Dodgers livery) for the nostalgists. Then there were the multiples: Pee Wee Reese and Roy Campanella; and the four Dodgers who hit 30 homers in 1977. I prefer the singles, but you still have to appreciate the effort here.

Next up: the Junior Circuit!