The GOATS, the bad and the Jets

By Charlotte Wilder

Week 6 of the NFL was quite a ride Sunday. We saw total team come-aparts, butt interceptions, terrible quarterback performances, beautiful 94-yard touchdown runs, and even a few moments of redemption (shoutout to the Giants). 

You might have some questions about the weekend’s games, so I am here to guess what they are and then answer them!

Starting with the query on everyone’s mind, which is:

1. How much is Kirk Cousins paid per interception?

Well, folks, I’m answering this question because Kirk Cousins has the most interceptions in the NFL, with 10 through six games. He threw three Sunday, so I did the math to see how much he’s paid per pick, and I’m going to show you my work.

OK (deep breath). So, his contract pays $66 million (all guaranteed) across two years, including a $30 million signing bonus, and an average annual salary of $33 million. 

That means that in 2020, according to the experts as Spotrac.com, Cousins will earn a base salary of $9.5 million, a signing bonus of $30 million, and a workout bonus of $500,000. This all comes out to his taking home $40 million this year.

That means he makes $2.5 million per game in 2020. So far, he has made $15 million and thrown 10 interceptions. 

Therefore, he has been paid $1.5 million per interception. 

Look, Vikings fans, it’s unfortunate that not only does your quarterback play Creed in the locker room, but that he’s paid so much for his mistakes. I’m not trying to be mean, this is just science. 

2. Did the Falcons have a post-breakup glow-up?

Sure did. The Falcons beat the Cousins and his Vikings 40-23. So, now Atlanta isn’t even tanking for the No. 1 pick. 

Sorry. The Falcons are winning the breakup, though. The minute Dan Quinn was fired, the Falcons win their first game. It’s like dumping someone clearly not good for you and then immediately posting a lot of hot pictures on Instagram. 

But don’t get too excited. This just means that both the Vikings and the Falcons records are now ... 1-5. 

3. Did any other quarterbacks have bad days?

They sure did, so glad you asked. I mean, many of them did. But Baker Mayfield and Carson Wentz had terrible, horrible, no good, really bad days.

Mayfield experienced his 11th career game with multiple interceptions. Two to be exact, including a pick-six on the third snap of the game against the Steelers. Pittsburgh destroyed their "rivals," the Browns 38-7. And we're using the term "rivals" very loosely since the Steelers have gone 18-3 against Cleveland since 1999. 

Carson Wentz, meanwhile, has been terrible for Philadelphia all season and threw three more picks Sunday. 

I don’t want to say I told you so, but ... I told you so. When the Eagles picked Wentz over Nick Foles a few years ago, I was like, are we sure? And now Chicago is like yeah, were you sure? Because Foles and the Bears beat the Panthers in Week 6. The Bears are now 5-1 for the season and sitting atop the division. 

4. What is it like to be a Bengals fan now?

It’s awful. I don’t know how this happened to me. I mean, I do — it happened when I decided Joe Burrow could be the GOAT if he weren’t stuck in Cincinnati. 

But I can’t watch Joe play football, because it’s like watching my son get shoved into a locker by various defenses every single weekend, and I can’t do anything about it! I can’t even call the principle! The last time I tried to call Zac Taylor and tell the coach to protect Joe, the voice on the other line said, "Ma’am this is a Wendys."

Being a Bengals fan is kind of like being a Patriots fan this season, to be honest (OK, that’s a stretch, but it’s not great). My beloved New England squad lost to the Broncos and is under .500 through the first six weeks for the first time since 2002. You know what I was doing in 2002? Buying Nickelback and Dave Matthews CDs at physical record stores. 

I can’t roast Kirk Cousins about Creed without being honest about my past.

5. OK, can I be earnest for a second?

Thanks, because I’m going to be. Miami rookie Tua Tagovailoa finally got into a game Sunday, and afterward, he went out to the field and sat there, taking it all in and talking with his parents on FaceTime.

Is it dusty in here? I think it’s dusty in here. 

6. Who scored all the Broncos’ points?

Their kicker. 

7. What happened in the battle of the GOATs? 

I’m assuming we’re talking about Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady, not Ryan Fitzpatrick and Joe Flacco, right? Because when it comes to the Bays of Tampa and Green, we knew a No. 12 was definitely going to win. 

But it wasn’t Green Bay’s No. 12. Rodgers got rattled, and everything fell apart. He threw his first interception of the season, which was a pick six, and then he threw another. The Packers only managed to put 10 points on the board, and the Bucs scored 38 unanswered. 

One of the Tampa Bay touchdowns came when Brady threw an end-zone lob to Rob Gronkowski, and we saw Gronk’s first Gronk spike as a Buccaneer. It was also Gronk’s first touchdown in 679 days and I, a Pats fan whose team is 2-3, felt like I was watching my two best friends have a party without me. 

8. Should Derrick Henry be in the MVP conversation?

Yes, absolutely! Texans-Titans was nuts — Henry ran for a 94 yard touchdown, Stephen Gostkowski missed two kicks, and the game went to overtime, where Henry saved the day with a touchdown.

Look, we don’t talk enough about how great Henry is, mostly because that isn’t possible. You can’t say it enough. On Sunday, he had 22 carries, 212 rush yards, two catches, 52 receiving yards, two TDs, and the game-winner in OT. The Titans are undefeated, mostly because of this powerhouse running back. The most impressive thing a professional football player can do is carry a team when he isn’t the quarterback, and Henry has the Titans slung firmly over his shoulder. 

9. Should we throw the Giants a party?

Yes! The Giants won their first game of 2020 when Washington had a chance to tie it up but went for two and missed.

10. And is that other New York team invited?

The Jets, on the other hand ... they might be trying their best, but then their best is really bad. They’ve moved from butt fumbles to butt interceptions which is great ...

... but they are the only team left in the NFL without a win. Which is not.

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