Ranking the 10 best Super Bowl halftime shows of all time

This list will make you mad.

Of course, it will. It’s a ranking. And not only is it a ranking, it’s a ranking about music, an objectively unobjective, unquantifiable, unrankable art. It is basically impossible to rate the greatest musicians of all time, from varying genres and eras, many of whom have played the Super Bowl.

But hear me out. My reasoning is very simple: How good was the show?

Not how good was the musician(s) overall, not how legendary they have become. Look, I adore Tom Petty’s music, I’m a huge fan of Sir Paul McCartney, and The Rolling Stones have been one of the constant sounds of my three-plus decades on this earth. Gloria Estefan and Diana Ross? Musical royalty who feature heavily in my playlists. The Blues Brothers? Love ‘em! Not sure how they headlined a Super Bowl, but — big fan!

There are many lists out there like this one. I have beef with those lists because they don’t tell us what criteria they’re working with. So here, in the interest of transparency, is how I’ve evaluated the shows:

Were the vibes electric?
Was the choreography/musicianship mind-blowing?
Did guitar riffs make chills go down my spine?
Did the pyrotechnics/set design/general spectacle make me want to run through a wall?
Was there a vocal trill or a verse that almost made me pass out?

In essence: How much of themselves did these performers leave out there on the stage? Movement and pizazz are critical for a halftime show. It’s extremely hard to match the physicality and excitement of the big game, and the only artists who can clear such a massive bar have to be charismatic beyond belief. They have to make you feel not just something, but everything. They have to overwhelm an audience of a hundred million.

(Two caveats: I have left out Michael Jackson’s 1993 performance. It was the first time a massive pop star performed on football’s biggest night, but the show mostly involves Jackson singing with children. Which does not hold up. I have also left out U2’s emotional post-9/11 halftime show, because that feels like it belongs in a category of its own.)

So, let’s get into it, because in a few short days, this list will be obsolete. Rihanna — who is gracing us Sunday with her first public performance in nearly five years at Super Bowl LVII (Sunday 6:30 p.m. ET on FOX and the FOX Sports App) — is sure to upend it.

10. Bruno Mars (XLVIII, 2014) / Katy Perry (XLIX, 2015) /Janet Jackson (XXXVIII, 2004)

If you’re going to make a list, it’s lazy to include ties. I know. But no one really cares about the last-best, so if there’s one place to cop out with a three-way tie, it’s at No. 10.

Bruno Mars was sort of forgettable (did you even remember that the Red Hot Chili Peppers were up there with him?), but he was saved entirely by his opening drum solo.

Sure, it was only a fraction of his 13 minutes on stage, but it’s one of my favorite fractions of Super Bowl history, so it lands him here. Also, Bruno can dance.

As a fellow white woman with a limited range of dance moves that should really only be broken out at a wedding after the cocktail hour, I understand that Katy Perry’s limitations as a dancer are not necessarily her fault. But still, she looks pretty wooden up there a lot of the time (I don’t mean to be mean! Maybe that’s the goal!).

However, she can certainly sing, and while many of her songs annoy me, I do love "California Girls." And she did ride a three-story-high, silver animatronic tiger onto the field. This performance also gave us Left Shark, so it gets a spot.

As for Janet Jackson, she was electric on stage before the "wardrobe malfunction" at the very end. America decided that was enough to derail her entire career, while Justin Timberlake was allowed to go on and become a star. That moment is painful to rewatch.

9. Coldplay, but only because of Beyoncé (Super Bowl 50, 2016)

Coldplay could not have been more blah for the first few minutes of this show. Chris Martin and his band — who are fine! I do love Viva La Vida, sue me! — came out looking like a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper had exploded on their set. And Chris, like Katy Perry, wasn’t exactly lighting the stage up with his dance moves or dynamism on stage.

And then Beyoncé (who headlined in 2013) showed up.

No one even remembers that Coldplay was there. Or that Bruno Mars appeared, too.

America just thinks Beyoncé performed the halftime show twice. As it should be.

8. Aerosmith, Britney Spears, 'NSync, Nelly & Mary J. Blige (XXXV, 2001)

This performance does not usually appear on Super Bowl halftime lists. It is chaotic. It is sloppy. It is a messy, jumbled, bizarre mish-mash of artists and songs.

And you know what? That’s why I love it. There is no greater time capsule in the history of the halftime show. The powers that be certainly did Britney dirty (per usual) by only letting her sing along to Walk This Way at the end — and my self-esteem is still recovering from wearing low-rise jeans like that in the early aughts — but I’m glad she was there.

Mary J. and Nelly slayed. Ben Stiller even filmed an intro sketch in his "Dodgeball" costume.

Nothing has ever transported me back to middle school the way rewatching this show did.

7. Madonna (XLIV, 2012)

OK, so, this icon shows up, carried on a throne by a bajillion oiled men, and she’s dressed as a Roman (perhaps Greek, I’m not a classicist) warrior. Even if her show had been unwatchable, that golden headpiece and her outfit alone would have landed her on this list.

But the show was great! Madonna was a little stiff to start, but she warmed up and — I can’t stress this enough — got into it. This woman was 53 years old and not only did she drop it low, she even did something close to breakdancing with LMFAO (lmfao).

She also sang Give Me All Your Luvin with M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj. M.I.A. flipped off the camera, which was pretty metal for the family-friendliest show on earth.

6. Lady Gaga (LI, 2017)

This might be controversial, but I was in the building for this one (not to brag), and when Lady Gaga jumped off the top of NRG stadium and then proceeded to belt her heart out, I was enraptured. Did she try a little too hard with the banter? Sure. I don’t care.

If there’s one thing Lady Gaga can do — besides make me weep in a theater at the end of "A Star Is Born" — it's put on a show. This lively performance would perfectly complement the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history. And I, as a Patriots fan, am not mad at that.

5. Bruce Springsteen (XLIII, 2009)

This is the rare example of a legendary male rocker who put on a Super Bowl show that actually rocked hard. He brought energy, gumption, charm. He took us all on a trip down "Thunder Road."

He left everything out there on that stage, and that’s what I want in a Super Bowl performance.

4. Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, Kendrick Lamar and 50 Cent (LVI, 2022)

Let me tell you, the chill that went up my spine when the opening chords of "The Next Episode" echoed through Sofi Stadium? If Britney brought me back to middle school, this show had me reminiscing about sneaking out of the house in high school.

I gasped when Mary J. Blige appeared, when 50 Cent showed up in the club, dangling from the ceiling, and when Eminem emerged on stage.

Also, there was a strong smell of weed in SoFi Stadium as this concert was happening, which only enhanced the experience.

3. Jennifer Lopez and Shakira (LIV, 2020)

One could argue that Dr. Dre & Co. put on a more cohesive show.

But I’ve never had a more rapturous experience at any concert. Shakira, at 43 years old, and J.Lo, at 50, performed as though they didn’t know what the words "getting older" mean. They were sexy, fresh, dynamic, exacting. Having listened to these two artists during my formative years, I knew every word to every song from the 2000s, and it was both exhilarating and comforting at the same time.

By the way, if you haven’t watched the Netflix doc about how J.Lo planned for this performance, watch it. It was definitely J.Lo propaganda, but it still left me in tears to see how hard she has had to work to maintain her rightful place in the spotlight and to be taken seriously as an artist.

2. Beyoncé (XLVII, 2013)

There is nothing I can say to describe how great this show was, except that for one person to put on a performance with this degree of physicality when the stakes are so high is absolutely bonkers.

Beyoncé is one of one, her talent otherworldly.

The way she dances while she sings from deep in her soul shouldn't be possible. I’m winded when I try to talk on the phone as I walk upstairs, and she’s out here moving like an athlete while singing without sounding like she even needs oxygen to live.

Also, shout out to her all-woman band. The guitarist shot fire out of her instrument at one point. What’s not to love?

Beyoncé would be No. 1 if …

1. Prince (XLI, 2007)

… if Prince had not performed the halftime show in 2007.

I’m sorry, but nothing can match this. Prince played "Purple Rain" in the rain. The way he shredded that guitar was beyond electric. His outfit was perfect, down to the leopard-print guitar strap.

His setlist was also so … casually bold? He walked out to Queen and then played his hits, while also covering Bob Dylan/Jimmy Hendrix and the Foo Fighters. There was an effortlessness to it.

He made the biggest stage feel like he’d just strolled into your local dive bar and decided to play a few tunes. When he asks, "can I play this guitar?" The answer is — we wish you could forever and ever, Prince. If only he never had to stop.

I get chills whenever I watch this performance. It was so straightforward and yet so beyond moving. Words, for once, fail me when I try to explain the greatness of this moment. If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch Prince perform the Super Bowl. It might turn things around.

Charlotte Wilder is a general columnist for FOX Sports. She's honored to represent the constantly neglected Boston area in sports media, loves talking to sports fans about their feelings and is happiest eating a hotdog in a ballpark or nachos in a stadium. Follow her on Twitter @TheWilderThings.

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