5 countries Colin Kaepernick should move to if he hates America

Colin Kaepernick apparently doesn’t think America gives him enough freedom. Let’s see what happens when America gives him to some other countries.

Colin Kaepernick: spoiled socialist corncob. Don’t get me wrong, the guy has every right in the world to say what he wants to say when he wants to say it. Wanna light yourself on fire and flop around screaming in your front yard wearing nothing but the nightgown your grandma died in? Go nuts! Handing out pamphlets calling for the systematic extermination of all the world’s cats? Let your freak flag fly, my man!

This not standing up for the anthem jive? That’s just a George Washington Bridge too far. What’s this guy’s problem with white people anyway? Isn’t he half white? Wasn’t he raised by these so-called white devils? I’ll bet he sings America the Beautiful in a silky falsetto when it’s a whitey banker cashing his big fat football check.

If this noodle-armed clown hates America so much, maybe he’d be happier someplace else. Here are five countries we think Colin Kaepernick would feel right at home in.

5. South America

Don’t be fooled by NBC’s liberal glam and glitz. Those Olympics were a Noah’s Flood caliber shitshow. Bodies washing up on volleyball courts, American swimmers getting mugged in the streets, big-butted women grinding crabs on every lampost and car hood in sight. It’s what I imagine Miami being like back before Columbus discovered Florida.

There’s a reason South America is on the bottom of the world: It’s the pits. I bet Colin Kaepernick would have a grand old time trying to be an NFL quarterback down there. The first time he steps out on a field and picks up a soccer ball with his hands he’ll have a bunch of cocaine kingpins hunting him down with rusty machetes. Pretty hard to stand for a national anthem when your legs and heart are in five different piles of alligator shit.

While Kaepernick’s going on about black people being oppressed in the U.S., little does he realize the African American population down there is less than 1%. Go ahead, try and name one black superstar athlete from Brazil. I’ll wait. Still thinking? That’s what I thought.

Even if you don’t have drug lords trying to turn you into a cheesesteak, you have to worry about giant snakes, spiders, lions, elephants, and the aforementioned gators. So while Colin Kaepernick rides his Huey Newton high horse about white oppression and whatnot, just remember there’s another America where the only horse you ever get to see is on your dinner plate.

(FILES) China’s military shows off their latest missiles during the National Day parade celebrating 60 years of communist rule on October 1, 2009 in Beijing. As the year and first decade of the 21st century comes to an end and China’s diplomatic and economic power rises, the West seems to have less sway over the Asian giant, as evidenced by the execution of a Briton this week despite pleas for mercy, observers say. While in the past China conceded on rights issues as a trade-off to secure membership into the World Trade Organisation, the right to host the 2008 Olympic Games and gain greater international recognition on the whole, Western governments are now calling on Beijing to help prop up the flailing world economy and resolve thorny diplomatic disputes such as the standoffs over the controversial nuclear programmes of Iran and North Korea. AFP PHOTO/FREDERIC J. BROWN (Photo credit should read FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images)

4. China

In America, you’re given the freedom to stand up for your rights. Try that shit in Communist China, you’ll be sitting down whether you like it or not. Probably because some giant-ass tank just ran you over in the middle of the street in broad daylight.

China might be the next big economic superpower, but when it comes to freedom of speech, I bet the only time you’re safe is parroting whatever’s on the Chinese News Network (not a coincidence). It’s a known fact that 99% of the Great Wall (the parts tourists aren’t allowed to see) is really just an elaborate underground prison system. Sure, you can see it from space… as long as the spaceship has an American flag on it.

Now, it’s true the Chinese recently started their own arena football league, so maybe Kaepernick can weasel his way into a starting spot. I even got a nickname ready for him: Peking Duck (because that’s all he throws anymore). But the second Kaepernick thinks about sitting during the pregame reading of Mao’s little black book, only to find two dozen warheads pointed directly at that giant schnoz of his, maybe he’ll realize just how green the grass really is on the other side of the iron curtain.

Copenhagen/Denmark/ 23 August 2015_Dannebrog red and white danish flag with cross on red sheet (Photo by Francis Joseph Dean/Deanpictures) (Photo by Francis Dean/Corbis via Getty Images)

3. Holland

You can only sit during so many pledge of allegiances before those ass sores really start to flare up. Good thing Holland has free health care (at least Kaep can work on his standing waiting in line for days for a routine checkup).

Here’s a country a lot of leftists like to tout as a utopia of peace, where everyone gets the same size house and the same education and the same coffin. But if Denmark is such a perfect socialist paradise, how come there aren’t any people of color? There was a recent Breitbart article that talked about how the most liberal countries in the world are also the most racist. I think that pretty much checks out.

Also, good luck staking a stand in a nation that remained neutral while Hitler ran around stealing all their oil and reindeer pelts. It’s the kind of country where people probably look at you sidewise if you ask for toilet paper in the bread line.

One thing Scandinavian countries are known for are their lax pot laws. To the point where you can just make up a medical condition and get yourself a license. All Kaepernick has to do is show his Amsterdam dealer a Niners highlight tape (no pun intended) and I’m sure he’ll get hooked up with the strongest jazz cigarettes the Danes have to offer. One thing you won’t have to worry about is Kaep getting into trouble in the red light district, because no one hates red zones more than this guy.

January 1979: Iranian leader, Ayatollah Imam Rouhollah Khomeini. (Photo by Asadollah Chahriari/Keystone/Getty Images)

2. Iran

Pretty hard to protest injustice when you’re wearing that black headband of yours in a 150 degree desert (except the headband covers your whole body). It’s been almost 40 years since the Sunnis staged a coup to overthrow the country’s democratically elected king, and not a single thing has changed.

Kapernick loves talking about race and how white people have oppressed black people. You know who also loved talking about that nonsense? Jimmy Carter, the guy responsible for all those hostages that were killed. That white guilt stuff didn’t fly back then, and it sure as shit ain’t gonna fly now. The more I think about it, the more Carter and Kaep seem like two peas in a pathetic little peanut pod. Both are washed up, both love sitting on the job, both are sent off to an early retirement where they do nothing but sit around for decades, doing nothing. That’s what do nothings do.

It’s a known fact people aren’t allowed to play sports in Iran. Which would certainly free up a lot of time for our friend Kaepernick to get involved with social justice issues. You know, until the last earthly thing he sees is his own neck bleeding on top of his face from the bottom of wicker basket. Where will all his SJW friends be then?

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – AUGUST 10: (RUSSIA OUT) Russian President Vladimir Putin speaks during a press conference with Armenian President Serge Sargsyan (not pictured) at the Kremlin on August 10, 2016 in Moscow, Russia. President of Armenia is having a one-day visit to Russia. (Photo by Mikhail Svetlov/Getty Images)

1. The U.S.S.R.

Anyone who tells you the Soviet Union broke up is either a Clinton supporter or doesn’t understand basic geology. Vladimir Putin is a dictator, period end of story. Think Colin Kaepernick could get away with this shit in Moscow? Think again. In Soviet Russia, the national anthem protests you.

People in Kaepernick’s generation who complain about not having enough rights have no idea how close we came to trading Chernobyls with Yeltsin and company. Had a single mistake been made, the only football Colin Kaepernick would be playing would involve threading an old wasp hive past a pile of skeletons and into the waiting arms of a petrified tree.

Russia’s national teams are called the Red Army for a reason: you so much as protest over how much squat time you get at the shitting ditch, you’re liable to live out the last few weeks of your miserable life changing the uranium rods in some nuke-powered cement factory.

The next time Colin Kaepernick decides to disrespect our flag and our troops, he should stop to think about the kind of “freedom” people have in other countries. After all, it’s a lot easier running away from a blitz when it’s a couple 250-pound linebackers coming at you, and not fist sized rocks zipping at your head while it’s locked in a Red Square stockade.