Reviewing the NBA's ugly Christmas sweaters

Though the sweater has long been a mainstream article of clothing, only in the past few decades, thanks in part to noted cardigan advocates Cliff Huxtable and Clark Griswold, has it become a tool of total visual bombardment. Ugly sweater parties are now a staple of the holiday season, as people shuffle to hand over hard-earned dollars for the most garish, blindingly gaudy sweaters they can find in a convoluted effort to one-up their friends and family.

As far as the NBA is concerned, games on Christmas Day are a long-standing annual tradition. Christmas-specific uniforms, however, are a much more recent innovation, just a few years younger than the rules against hand-checking that give some Twitter eggs the fire to spout off about how Steph Curry would never have made it in their NBA (the ’90s, typically). Upon taking over the league’s uniform contract in 2007, adidas made Christmas Day uniforms imperative, rolling out horrendous jerseys before reverting back to refined, stylish designs.

NBA Christmas sweaters, then, were a logical step; here, we review some of the 87 products listed, with a self-referential wink and a nudge-nudge, under the “Ugly Sweaters” section of the NBA.com shop.

Read More: The NBA’s naughty list

Because of the sheer number, and the fact that many designs are repeated depending on teams, only a partial review seems necessary. Channel your inner Craig Sager with these preposterously tacky articles of clothing.

Brooklyn Nets Klew Black Patches Sweater

Black, white and gray: somehow, the Nets nicked the Spurs’ drab scheme and made it even more utilitarian. Still, black goes with everything in all seasons, and the design here calls to mind the plethora of train options available at Atlantic Avenue, right under the Barclays Center. The Nets fan in your life can join Mikhail Prokhorov in Brooklyn’s identity crisis with this one.

Charlotte Hornets Klew Teal Thematic Sweater

Generally, repeating the front design on the back is stylistically lazy, not to mention the confusion it can create when hustling to get ready for the ugly sweater party. With the Hornets, however, there isn’t much that can go wrong. The purple and teal is a welcome alternative to standard blues, greens and reds, and stamping the ball going into the hoop on the sleeves ties in well with the hornet spread across the court on either side. This one works better than its peers, one of which inexplicably doubles the word “Hornets” in an effort to fill space.

Chicago Bulls Black/Red Aztec Sweater

First of all, it’s worth pointing out that the Bulls have no fewer than eight (!) different sweater designs, while some teams don’t have any (sorry, Jazz fans). From that insane selection of red and black garb, this is the leader in the clubhouse. There’s a reason the Bulls logo has remained unchanged since the team’s entry into the NBA in 1966. That angry cartoon steer is captivating, and the less there is to take away from it, the better. The team name striping behind it, as well as the holiday patterns running parallel, perfectly complement an excellent sweater that is more swan than duckling.

Cleveland Cavaliers Wine/Gold Aztec Sweater

As sensationally busy as this sweater is, the giant, wine-hued C acts as the glue keeping it all together. Not unlike the court in Quicken Loans Arena, the C is unspeakably huge, but there is no sword here to surround. Instead, the words “Cleveland” and “Cavaliers” are stacked, one on top of the other, in ribbons, which may cause those suffering from nearsightedness fits. Even so, the wine trim at the collar and sleeve ends are nice framing devices. This seems like the kind of garment even J.R. Smith wouldn’t mind throwing on in the midst of an inhospitable Cleveland winter. Fittingly, Golden State’s version of this sweater is the only decent competition.

Denver Nuggets Youth Ugly Sweater

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this sweater. The lighter yellow and blue make for an eye-catching palette, and the whispers of white are even and spread far enough apart so as not to be overwhelming. Even the argyle panel is nice and would make for a decent enough pullover in its own right. Where the NBA errs in this one is that it is only available in youth sizes. While adhering to the gorgeous template the team’s colors suggest, the other Nuggets options are a bit disenchanting.

Golden State Warriors Stephen Curry Royal/Gold Loud Player Sweater

The name is appropriate: this thing looks like it’s screaming the number 30 at you from all sides. Having somebody else’s signature stitched into an article of your clothing takes some kind of temerity. Obligatory: it would only be better for this year’s festivities if they changed the logo to a dash, and the zero to the number 1.

Houston Rockets Ugly Sweater Slippers

While not strictly sweaters (the “ugly sweater slipper” moniker leaves something to be desired in terms of denotation), these slippers are nevertheless an available item of fashion specific to the holiday season. Only six teams — the Cavaliers, the Lakers, the Spurs, the Grizzlies, the Pacers and the Rockets — have the distinct honor of receiving Christmas slippers in their names. Perhaps due to James Harden’s ability to glide to the basket like a child in soft socks flying down the hallway, the Rockets’ slippers stand out, with the subtle hints of silver and white providing a seasonal flair against Houston’s sharp red. These slippers are the perfect footwear for any short distance, whether it be to the mailbox or, in Harden’s case, to the foul line.

Indiana Pacers Navy/Gold Patches Crew Neck Sweater

Maybe it’s the fact that neither of the Pacers’ colors is inherently Christmas-esque, but this one seems more exotic than most others. The basketball flying out of the P in the logo looks like it’s headed for the star, which would create the kind of fission fitting of Myles Turner.

Los Angeles Clippers Red Ugly Light It Up Sweater

While several other teams — the Celtics, Kings and Lakers among them — boast a version of this scoreboard-imitating sweater, the Clippers’ feels most appropriate. Though Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan have become much more than hyper-athletic dunking machines, it was that aspect of their game, combined with Chris Paul’s playmaking acumen, which gave rise to the “Lob City” nickname. As such, a scoreboard reacting to a slam dunk feels best when shrouded in Clippers details. Each version of this sweater carries the team’s birth year as its score, and the whole centerpiece hovers above a court, which, along with the upper halves of the sleeves, seems like sadly wasted space.

Los Angeles Lakers Klew Purple Slogan Ugly Sweater

With “The Lakeshow” emblazoned across the torso, and the team name running down one sleeve, this sweater may as well have been Byron Scott’s uniform last year. It screams of trying too hard to fit in. It works as an appropriate gift for the resident Lakers fan in your life, who celebrated every championship as if they were Mark Madsen and hung around only for Kobe over the past few years while hiding the Lakers car flag in the garage. Better yet, show up to the gift exchange without anything and tell your recipient that this sweater is waiting for them in Temecula, where it belongs. One of the alternates, a white-sleeved bit of art, is the best of the Laker lot.

Memphis Grizzlies Navy/Light Blue Patches Crew Neck

Mixing dark and light blues is a time-honored design cheat that always works. The Thunder and Mavericks have color schemes that allow for some variation of this, but the Grizzlies version is the cream of the crop. A fierce bear in the wilderness, with hints of white for emphasis, helps this one stand out. Before you know it, you’ll be hustling for loose balls and screaming “FIRST TEAM ALL-DEFENSE” at your extended family.

Miami Heat Black/Red Patches Crew Neck

Visually, the Heat’s sweater is nice enough because it fits with the red of the holiday season. From afar, the flame on top of the basketball could be mistaken for an angel on top of a melting Christmas tree. Up close, however, it looks as if the ball is falling to earth to ignite a forest fire. Unless you stan hard for Goran Dragic or Hassan Whitesides’ points-rebounds-blocks triple-doubles, this one is worth skipping.

Milwaukee Bucks Green/Gold Patches Crew Neck

All other things being equal, this is my favorite of the lot. The good land green stands out against the cream city cream (both team-official color names, by the way), with hints of a traditional white giving the impression of a wooded area during or just after a light snowfall. Though I prefer the tertiary Wisconsin-centric logo best, the partial logo featuring the M inside of a basketball is truly spectacular, and it shines here. Its amplification on the sleeves is a nice touch. Though other teams have this pattern, giant pines seem out of place in, say, San Antonio.

NBA Klew Navy Patches Sweater

Even in the age of the liberated fan, purchasing general, NBA-branded, non-team-specific apparel seems a bit over the top. This sweater is for the person whose mantra is something along the lines of, “I enjoy the very idea of professional basketball, and/or Adam Silver is my ride or die.” Even though the colors are bold, primary and fit well with the holidays, it’s best to avoid this as a gift or personal purchase, lest someone mistake you for a Clippers fan from afar.

New York Knicks Carmelo Anthony Klew Navy Current Player Ugly Sweater

Not unlike its namesake, this sweater toes the line between balance and chaos far too much. The base color scheme is good, with the orange sleeves acting as a necessary counterpoint to the deep blue torso, but then it runs right off the rails. Putting Carmelo’s first name inside the second letter of his last name and then rotating the latter to run vertical seems rather arbitrary. Having the Knicks logo look like it’s about to vacuum Anthony’s name off the front is an unnecessary waste of space. Is it a Knicks sweater, or is it a Carmelo Anthony sweater? Maybe it will become a Kristaps Porzingis sweater in a year or two. Maybe it already has. Either way, player-specific sweaters can be problematic, with the shifting nature of the league. Speaking of which…

Oklahoma City Thunder Kevin Durant Klew Navy Current Player Ugly Sweater

Everything about this is cruel. From its very product name — “Kevin Durant klew navy current player ugly sweater” — to its inexplicably high price tag despite Durant not having been on the Thunder for months, this is an item to mostly avoid. If, however, you have a fair-weather fan in your life who, despite being from, for instance, Pittsburgh, at one time claimed to be a hardcore Oklahoma City fan and is now, curiously, a Warriors fan, this is just the gift for that Secret Santa exchange. Otherwise, stick with a delightfully fashionable Thunder team sweater, which, presumably, Russell Westbrook designed, being that he does everything else for that team.

Portland Trail Blazers Klew Red Thematic Ugly Sweater

The deep red, the vicious black, the charming off-white and that logo: this is a magnificent garment for the Pacific Northwesterner still reminiscing the halcyon days of Bill Walton, Mo Lucas and Doctor Jack Ramsay. Having the holiday patterns alternate in color, rather than simply repeating, is a subtle bit of flair, as are the stitched basketballs. The logo, like two tornadoes meeting to shake hands, is aesthetically pleasing. This sweater could benefit from a bit more of the gray central to that logo, but aside from that, it’s excellent.

San Antonio Spurs Women’s Black/Gray Big Logo V-Neck Sweater

As limited as the rest of the options are, women’s versions are even tougher to come by. Though the sweater-as-dress is a more provocative look, the v-neck is a nice way to support your team without calling too much attention to yourself. What is more Spursian than that? With the logo as its centerpiece, and the team name in muted cursive over a design that calls to mind a Texan barbecue tablecloth, this sweater is a necessity for absurd sideline interviews with Coach Pop.